Playing A Game You Can’t Win

{ October 11, 2008 @ 9:06 pm } · { Issues of The Heart }
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Here’s a rather thorny question that has plagued humanity for eons, or probably for one time in my life it happened to be extremely significant- and if it weren’t for my crazy penchant for devouring novels by the dozens, the debate wouldn’t have been roused from its slumber…. Ah… the age old question (in my mind or perhaps in the minds of other individuals as well):

If you had to make the choice, who would you choose to be with:
The person who loves you, or the person that you love?

It does not seem  like a paradox of sorts right? I mean, you can be with the the person who loves you, that same person could also be the one that you love….Ah… but not all of us are lucky enough to find ourselves in that rather “clutter free” situation. By “clutter free” I mean, you have all the elements working for you, 1+1= 2, simple as that. Boy meets Girl, they fall in love, end of story, but some stories are more elaborate. Like a web intricately spun by the fickle and rather quirky hands of fate. Allow me to elaborate before you develop frown lines on your immaculate foreheads for thinking too much.

How do I introduce this? Ah… Have you ever heard of the Tango? Of course you have, but do you know the story behind the dance? You see, the tango is a dance of the flesh. There are a lot of stylistic origins to the dance, but I like to give my own interpretation to it as a dance of great passion and love.You have two people pacing the dance floor emanating unbridled desire, wrapped in a passionate embrace -  eyes locked, dipping, stomping, touching, teasing… It is a dance of seduction, and in some ways, a dance of love. It is a romance story of sorts- about how the woman incites fire in a man, and how she is able to lure him, to compel him to posses her. The man is literally spellbound by the woman, and demonstrates his desire and power by how he holds her, showing her who has the control. The movements narrate their romance, the sheer emptiness of the release, then the pull of possession again. Both dancers and their movements demonstrate how love can be extremely intense, it is an illustration of the joining of two souls powered by an emotion that neither can control. It is seductive and quite dangerous. The occasional spectator of the dance would probably watch slack jawed in awed fascination…

They say it takes two to tango, correct? Well, how about we change up the rules…  to make things a little interesting, a third dancer is thrown into the fray. Imagine what that would be like? Picture out the tango with three dancers, two men and one woman (or whatever). The woman, of course, is the object of their desire, their love. Imagine two men clamoring to posses a woman whose mere presence burns their blood… She entices them, torments them, and they are left to battle it out on who gets to culminate the dance with her. Now, let us just say that the woman desires both men,  but as mentioned, it takes only two people to tango… Only one man gets that chance, Isn’t that a rather tangled web?

Let’s say she has feelings for both, but she has to choose- which one then, the one she loves, or the one who loves her? They may both love her, but one may love her more, and she may love them both, but she may love one of them more….  Hurts your head right?

It calls to mind the saying “You can’t have your cake and eat it too”

Where am I getting at with all this? Patience, I’m getting there.  Have you seen the following movies: Superman Returns, The Notebook, & Enchanted? If you have, good.

Question: What do the three movies have in common?, here’s an even better question: What is the recurring theme of the three movies that was never brought up?

Answer: Unrequited love. James Marsden’s character getting screwed, always playing second fiddle to the other guy, always second best.  James Marden’s character never gets the girl.

Confused? Allow me to elucidate.




In Superman Returns, James Marsden plays Richard White. Richard is engaged to Lois Lane (take note: she was Supe’s love). Super Man gets all hurt about this, and assumes that Lois had moved  on since his absence.


Cue scene:

Lois Lane: Richard’s a good man… and you’ve been gone a long time.
Superman: I read the article, Lois.
Lois Lane: Yeah, so did a lot of people. Tomorrow night, they’re giving me the Pulitzer…
Superman: Why did you write it?
Lois Lane: How could you leave us like that? I moved on. So did the rest of us. That’s why I wrote it. The world doesn’t need a savior. And neither do I.


Richard White: Were you in love with him?
Lois Lane: He’s Superman. Everyone was in love with him.
Richard White: But were you?
Lois Lane: [pause] … No.

Minus all the details, we all knew that Lois was soo not over Super Man, and yes, despite the rather bitter article that she wrote about the world not needing  him (which is just a projection of her own hurt feelings and resentment for his abrupt departure), deep inside she was still very much in love with him (yes, she was in denial, thinking she was happy with Richard). She chose the man who loved her, but still craved the man that she loved….I think it’s appropriate to say, poor James Marsden.





In The Notebook, James Marsden plays Lon Hammon Jr. In this film he is also, uhemmm… engaged to Allie Hamilton(Rachel McAdam’s character). They meet  after Allie’s  meddling and deprecatory mother separates her from the love of her life, Noah Calhoun (Ryan Gosling’s character).  Allie who suffered from a tremendous heartbreak thinking that Noah didn’t care about her anymore, allowed herself to move on.

Allie: When I’m with Noah I feel like one person and when I’m with you I feel like someone totally different.
Lon: Allie, it’s normal not to forget your first love but I want you for myself. I don’t want to convince my fiancée that she should be with me.
Allie: You don’t have to. I already know I should be with you.

But then, a quirk of fate happens and she sees Noah again…

Allie: Why didn’t you write me? Why? It wasn’t over for me, I waited for you for seven years. But now it’s too late.
Noah: I wrote you 365 letters. I wrote you everyday for a year.
Allie: You wrote me?
Noah: Yes… it wasn’t over, it still isn’t over

Surprise, surprise, well, we all knew what happened didn’t we? Allie ends up with Noah…  Again, poor James Marsden.

Last. In Enchanted, James plays Prince Edward, a ditzy Prince who falls in love-at-first-sight with a quixotic  girl named Giselle. They were supposed to get married a day after they clapped eyes on each other, but his Step Mother, Queen Narissa, had to push Giselle into a well sending her to New York where she meets McDreamy…errr… Robert Philip, a misanthropic divorcee who in the long run ends up falling in love with our starry eyed damsel…  Poor James Marsden, but to his character’s credit, he did get to marry someone else in the end, but the point is, he didn’t end up with the girl he originally wanted.


So what’s my point? Sometimes it hurts to be the odd one out, the one in love with the person who will never be able to reciprocate the sentiment fully. It hurts to watch them with the one that they love, it hurts to know that you weren’t the one that they chose. It hurts to fight for someone who never even gave an iota of thought of how it must feel to fight even when you know you’re not going to win.

Here’s the meat of it all…



I’m talking about the bittersweet tale of the Werewolf (Jacob Black) who fell in love with a girl (Isabella Swan) who is in love with a Vampire (Edward Cullen).

Note: if you have read the Twilight saga, feel free to carry on, but if you haven’t gotten around to cracking those books open, I suggest you don’t read any further- seriously, I will be spilling details that will spoil the tale. However, if you are curious enough to continue (I’m talking to the one’s who haven’t read the books), don’t say I didn’t warn you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I read the tale, my heart writhed with pain, bleeding for the Jacob  who was obviously in love with Bella (uhemmm… I was in that same situation before, not fun).

Both men, Edward and Jacob, loved Bella, and she needed them both in her life, but the question was: Who did she love with all her heart? The man who loved her, or the man that she loved?

See, we’re back to the paradox, the thing is, the choice was hers….

If I were Bella who would I choose?

In one corner, you have Jacob Black. Sweet, with a sarcastic sense of humor,  easy going - the charming rebel, who has the whole down-to-Earth appeal going for him. In the other corner, you have Edward Cullen, handsome, mysterious, intelligent-  who screams Prince Charming / Knight in Shining Armor. In my opinion, he is every girl’s dream- unselfish, a proper gentleman, loving – a true protector.

“For almost ninety years I’ve walked among my kind, and yours… all the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realizing what I was seeking. And not finding anything because you weren’t alive yet”

~Edward Cullen~

And did I fail to mention that he is extremely eloquent as well? Alright, it seems the odds are tipped in Edward’s favor for me, I’m a little biased I suppose, since he reminds me of a certain someone in my life who is in one way or another my very own Edward Cullen (lucky me). However, I do feel for Jacob…. I really do.

“He’s like a drug for you Bella” Jacob Black said, “I see that you can’t live without him now. It’s too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug. I would have been the air, the sun…”

I was once in Jacob’s predicament before, and that’s what compelled me to discuss this. Unrequited love is perhaps the most excruciating thing to experience in the world.

I ached for Jacob, the boy who nursed Bella through her dark moments when the love of her life (Edward) broke her heart by leaving her. Jacob, the boy who made her smile, who breathed life back into her when it seemed like the pain of the heartbreak was going to leave her in a catatonic state. The same boy who helplessly stood back as Edward returned, who bore weeks of separation from her in silence, knowing very well that she spent them with Edward, the boy she loved.

I screamed in frustration as Jacob told Bella how much he loved her, as he explained that although he knew that she was in love with Edward, he also knew that she wanted him in her life as well. I felt his pain as he told her he needed to say the words out loud so there wouldn’t be a lost chance, just in case things ever changed between her and Edward, she would know that he was waiting for her- that he loved her. I gritted my teeth as he declared that he was going to fight for her, even if it was a lost cause.

You see, Jacob Black is Bella’s best friend. She tells him everything, and in turn he does the same. When Edward left, Jacob was the one who made Bella happy, and in those moments  that he spent with her, when she was in pain; haunted by memories of Edward, Jacob felt the innate sense to protect her, to care for her, and well, to love her. Bella knew all too well that Jacob had feelings for her, and subtly made it known to him that she will never feel the same. Jacob accepted that fact good-naturedly knowing it was better being her best friend. He was smart enough to accept that it was better to have that role in her life than nothing at all, but still, he held on to the hope that she might choose him….

Watching her with Edward didn’t make it easier, hearing her tell him for the billionth time that she loved him, but she was in love with Edward did not lessen the blow.  The moments he had with Bella were never enough,  they were ephemeral, stolen, it never belonged to him, she didn’t belong to him…
You can’t lose what you never had. You don’t get to lose something that was never yours to begin with. You see, Jacob’s fate bears a perverse similarity to the characters that James Marden plays, he may get the girl for a while, but he is never truly meant to end up with her…


You’re so beautiful
And when I’m near you i can’t breathe

A girl like you gets what she wants
When she wants it
You’re so out of my league
I show you no emotion
Don’t let you see what you’re doin’ to me
I Imagine the two of us together
But I’ve been livin’ in reality

Fear of rejection, kept my love inside
But time is running out
So damn my foolish pride!

I don’t care if you think i’m crazy
It doesn’t matter if it turns out bad
I’ve got no fear of losin’ you.
You can’t lose what you never had

Now i’m gonna confess that i love you
I’ve been keepin’ it inside feelin’ i could die
Now if you turn away that’s O.K.
At least we’ll have a moment
Before you say goodbye
You can’t lose what you never had

Rules Are made for breakin’
Nothing’ ventured nothin’ gained
I’ll be no worse off than i am right now
And i might never get the chance again

Fear of rejection, kept my love inside
Told my heart I didn’t want you but i lied…


It only takes two to tango, sadly, the odd man, or woman out of the lover’s dance must watch in the sidelines, with the pain of unrequited love, and the sting of rejection coursing through their veins. I suppose that’s the risk we have to take in the game of love, we go into it uncertain if the odds are in our favor. We place bets, never knowing if we will end up lucky. We give all we have, not knowing that we will lose it all, or gain more than our wager’s worth… In the game of love, there are winners, the one’s who win the prize of the person whom they will love with all their heart, who will also love them in return. Tragically, there are also the losers, who give everything they’ve got, who risk everything, only to end up with nothing, or worse, they watch somebody else take home the prize…


Smart in a Stupid Way

{ July 1, 2008 @ 7:08 pm } · { Issues of The Heart }
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And this is the price that you pay
For being smart in a stupid way
You stand there staring while your lover walks away
Being smart, in a stupid way

The doors they close like eyelids
The train just pulled away
Sometimes I smell the perfume that she was wearing that day
And i wonder if there’s anyone that I’ll ever love in any way
Maybe I’ll grow up and be good someday
Maybe this pain I feel will go away

Song Title: Smart in a Stupid Way
Performed by: Ashlee Simpson and Steven Strait

She feels the blow as he gazes at his lady love, and she wonders why she continues to stare. All his life; she stood by his side, and yet he never knew she was there. Even though she was lucky enough to receive his smiles, she knew they never belonged to her. His touch, his words, his laughter, his melting stare- were ephemeral pieces of heaven that she cherished. But right from the very start, she knew whatever she managed to steal would never be enough, because all that time, all that time another girl had his heart.
As she sat there watching them, she muttered to herself:
“This is my fate, I will always be the girl in love with the man who is loving somebody else.”

And this is the price that you pay
For being smart in a stupid way
You stand there staring while your lover walks away
Being smart, in a stupid way
So why is my heart so hollow
Why are my dreams so shallow
And why don’t I ever have anything else to say
And why is my love so far away

He stares at her, a smiling angel, and wonders why he has lost the ability to breathe. “I’m in love with her” he whispers to himself, “but she’s not in love with me”. He sits in a darkened room plagued by her smiling face, her laughter echoes amid the gloom, his misery continues for days.

And this is the price that you pay
For being smart in a stupid way
You stand there staring while your lover walks away
Being smart, in a stupid way.

Upon hearing the song “Smart in a Stupid Way” I’m compelled once more to give my insights on the topic of love- or rather the topic on the follies of falling in love.

I’ll Never Fall In Love Again
Elvis Costello

What do you get when you fall in love?
A diamond pin to burst your bubble
That’s what you get for all your trouble
I’ll never fall in love again
I’ll never fall in love again

What do you get when you kiss a girl
You get enough germs to catch pneumonia
After you do, she’ll never phone you
I’ll never fall in love again
I’ll never fall in love again

Don’t tell me what it’s all about
‘Cause I’ve been there and I’m glad I’m out
Out of those chains those chains that bind you
That is why I’m here to remind you

What do you get when you give your heart
You get it all broken up and battered
That’s what you get, a heart that’s shattered
I’ll never fall in love again
I’ll never fall in love again

Out of those chains those chains that bind you
That is why I’m here to remind you

What do you get when you fall in love?
You only get lies and pain and sorrow
So for at least until tomorrow
I’ll never fall in love again
I’ll never fall in love again
I’ll never fall in love again

Love opens the heart, blinds the eyes, and clouds the mind. Love can make even the smartest person in the planet loose his/her wits.

Samson allowed Delilah to cut his hair.
Adam took a bite from the forbidden fruit as prompted by Eve.
Caesar and Mark Anthony were charmed and seduced by the alluring Cleopatra.
Katie Holmes converted to Scientology for Tom Cruise.
Tom Cruise jumped on Oprah’s couch because of Katie Holmes…

Let’s cut to the chase…. When in love, we become crazy, in Tom’s case, he was sooo crazy about Katie that he was compelled to show it by jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch, which astonished millions of viewers. It was quite a sight that prompted some of the people in the media to mock him and dub him as “unstable” and just downright demented.

This incident gave birth to the phrase “jumping the couch. It’s a phrase used to describe someone who makes a total fool out of him/herself in public to the point that it ruins their reputation.

In Tom’s defense, the dude was in love. I don’t know if it flattered Katie or anything seeing Tom overtly express his feelings for her, but I’m sure a great deal of ladies out there would kill for something like that- though in a more subdued way I suppose.

The point is, before I digressed on and on about Tom Cruise- Love makes us do crazy things, either in a good or bad way.

When You Love Someone
Byan Adams

When you love someone - youll do anything
You’ll do all the crazy things that you cant explain
You’ll shoot the moon - put out the sun
When you love someone

You’ll deny the truth - believe a lie
There’ll be times that youll believe you can really fly
But your lonely nights - have just begun
When you love someone

When you love someone - youll feel it deep inside
And nothing else can ever change your mind
When you want someone - when you need someone
When you love someone…

When you love someone - you’ll sacrifice
You’d give it everything you got and you wont think twice
You’d risk it all - no matter what may come
When you love someone
You’ll shoot the moon - put out the sun
When you love someone

The thing is, when we allow ourselves to fall in love with someone, actually, our consent is not necessary, we just fall in love period. When that happens, we open up ourselves to the other person. We bear hearts, we become vulnerable- this is the risk we take when we allow ourselves to love. You see, the only way a person can hurt us is when we allow ourselves to care, and yes, to love them. Our hearts break because we give people the right to break them.

The risk is great, but being able to posses love makes it worth it- right?

When you love someone - you’ll sacrifice
You’d give it everything you got and you wont think twice
You’d risk it all - no matter what may come
When you love someone

Love makes us smart in a stupid way. People give so much of themselves to the one’s they love to the point that they lose track of who they are and eventually this leads to dissatisfaction and disenchantment. People give so much of their time, effort and sacrifice to the one’s they love that resentment builds up when their significant others fail to offer the same. Some people pour all their heart and soul onto the person that they love, and become crushed when they realize that it will never be reciprocated.

It is said that in typical relationship, there will always be someone who loves the other more- I see this as a power struggle actually, in a sense that: If one of the two loves the other more… He/ she will forever be the less fortunate of the two. Forever, powerless, crippled by his/her devotion to the other half.

Which begs the question: is there ever an equal division of affection / love in a relationship?
Answer: Yes, not a lot of people are capable of pulling it off, but it’s possible.

It’s about balance, it’s basic give and take, not take and take, then give when it pleases you. When you allow yourself to keep giving without taking even a little bit of something from the other, for yourself- you’re being smart in a stupid way.

People who wait for the other to say the words “I love you” are being smart in a stupid way, why?

It saves them from the sting of rejection, yet deprives them from the blissful vindication of their feeling being reciprocated.

People who stay in a dead-end relationship (i.e. physically and emotionally abusive relationships) are being smart in a stupid way.

Their already trampled on self-esteem will not permit them to leave, and they have formed some perverse attachment to their significant other believing that “they didn’t mean it, and at the end of the day they did the act out of love”.

People who allow the one they love to walk away or slip away, are being smart in a stupid way.

They free themselves from the risks that come with love, but live with the regret of letting go of the one they love.

People who cheat on their boyfriend/ girlfriend husbands/wives are being smart in a stupid way.

They find pleasure and excitement in the company of another, while betraying and forsaking those who truly love them.

People who allow the chance of love pass by, are smart in a stupid way,

They will never know the joys or sorrows that come with love, but they will always think about “what might and could’ve been”

People who give up love to avoid the pain, are being smart in a stupid way.

They live their lives free from pain, but deprive themselves the chance of finding true happiness.

The truth is, when it comes to love, we are all smart in a stupid way. There’s no class that teaches us how to love, nobody can teach a person how to love, we just do.

“A life without love, is no life at all” ~ Leonardo da Vinci (from the movie Ever After)

Only an idiot would deprive him/herself from feeling love. And besides, love doesn’t necessarily have to come from a romantic partner, it can come from your parents, friends, and etc.

Love is free, give your love away…

“The wise are wise only because they love. The fool are fools only because they think they can understand love.”

Paulo Coelho quotes

Merde Happens

{ June 27, 2008 @ 6:18 am } · { Life As We Know IT }
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I apologize for the title, I suppose it may sound offensive to others (hence the apology). Let me just warn you ahead that there will be very colorful language added to this entry (who knew? I can be a  versatile writer after all).

Truly, I am not the type of person who swears like a sailor. Rambling aside, I just felt like saying “Sh*T Happens” (trust me, I do have a point to convey here), because when things go wrong, that’s is the first thing that usually comes out of people’s mouths.

“Oh Sh*t I’m late”, “Sh*t I can’t believe this…”, “I got fired. What a load of crap” - (that is still Sh*t by the way)

Get what I mean? It’s a crude way of saying that life is unfair… Don’t get it? Okay, pop quiz:

What was Alanis Morisette really trying to say in the song “Ironic“?
Read between the lines…

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
It’s a black fly in your Chardonnay
It’s a death row pardon two minutes too late
Isn’t it ironic … don’t you think?

It’s like rain on your wedding day
It’s a free ride when you’ve already paid
It’s the good advice that you just didn’t take
Who would’ve thought … it figures

What is she trying to say? “Life is unfair and Sh*t happens”.

A traffic jam when you’re already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It’s meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn’t it ironic…dontcha think
A little too ironic…and yeah I really do think…

Imagine that, meeting the man of your dreams and then realizing he’s with someone else, doesn’t that make you want to tear your hair out in frustration and just yell “It’s unfair!!!!!!!!!”, “Why me?”. Doesn’t that make you want to throw in the towel and just give up or cease breathing????

Seriously?

Don’t mind me, I happen to have a flair for dishing out a great deal of theatrics, but there, I have successfully enumerated some typical reactions spawned from moments of  frustration.

Now if you’re thinking: “Okay I get the sh*t happens and life is unfair theory, what the heck is the point of all this ahem… crap?”

Good question, allow me to enlighten you.

“Oh, my friend, it’s not what they take away from you that counts.  It’s what you do with what you have left.”

~Hubert Humphrey

Translation:

Life is about learning and the learning process does involve a great deal of crap thrown your way. Like: people losing their jobs, getting mugged, cheating spouses / lovers bla bla, people die, there’s war, global warming, some nut is screaming about the end of the world….

Question: Are you dead?
If the answer is yes (may you rest in peace), but if the answer is no, then what’s the big???

Here are possible solutions to the aforementioned life dramas:

People who lose their jobs - can find new employment, start a business, or take a much needed vacation.

Getting mugged- granted that the person survives the assault (if they are assaulted) they can report the incident to the police, take self-defense classes or never leave the confines of their homes.

Cheating- Hmmm…. there’s breaking up, divorce, couple’s counseling, trial separation, reconciliation (with certain conditions involved).
alternative solutions:
for men who cheat- Castration
for women who cheat- uhhhh….chastity belt?

Dying people- well, there is no solution for that. We’re not immortal you know. We just have to make the most of the time we have with the important people in our lives.

But here are some useful tips:
If you smoke (or know somebody who does) - Quit
Same goes for doing drugs, drinking, excessive unprotected fornication (yes, you can die from that- it’s called AIDS)- and what have you.

War- “Can’t we all just get along?”

Global Warming- I suggest you watch Al Gore’s documentary “An Inconvenient Truth” and learn about what you can do to save Mother Earth.

Crazy guy- Send him to the looney bin OR consider the possibility that he/she may be right.

“A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.“
Mark Twain

The point is, we have to suffer or undergo a lot of rather difficult moments in order for us to learn.

Imagine a tree in the middle of a hill with a raging storm going on. No matter how the wind may threaten to uproot the tree, if the tree was planted well, it won’t bend to the will of the tempest, for it’s roots are planted firmly on the ground. It’s branches may sway or break off, it’s leaves may be torn off, but when the storm ends, the tree will always remain there…

Why? Why, indeed.

It’s called faith, it’s called hope, it’s called strength and if you have planted a great deal of all that in you plus a kick-ass attitude- you will become the resilient tree standing tall on the hill, unafraid of life’s many storms.

Great, I sound like a fortune cookie.

Truth be told, I am the most pessimistic person (perhaps not in the whole wide world), but it has been established that I am morbidly pessimistic. You see, there were certain moments in my life that molded me to become a misanthropic individual, that is incapable of shock on account of all the (excuse my french) merde life has thrown my way.



I can be like Squidward Tentacles (from Spongebob Squarepants). Unlike Spongebob who is bubbly and happy,  I can be pretty unenthusiastic and grumpy like Squidward (sometimes). I have this odd belief that if good things happen to me, bad things are bound to follow.

It was an exhausting existence, always expecting the black cloud to show up at the start of my day, always whining about something- I basically sucked the joy out of every moment AND one day I realized my misfortunes were my fault.

Yes, you read that right, they were my fault, WHY?

Here’s another fortune cookie type statement:

One should never leave the door open for problems to enter. You can overpower any problem as long as you do not allow any problem to overpower you. (HAHA take that! Confucius)

We are in charge of our lives are we not? Ergo, we have every right to take the reins of our life and enjoy the ride, bypassing any roadblocks along the way.
To change your life, to change the way you react to adversity- change your attitude.
It’s that simple really - in the words of Lumiere (from Beauty and The Beast) You don’t believe me? Ask the dishes.

Happiness is an attitude.  We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong.  The amount of work is the same.  ~Francesca Reigler

So often time it happens, we all live our life in chains, and we never even know we have the key.  ~The Eagles, “Already Gone”

The point here people is, life may be unfair and Sh*t does happen, but you have the choice to live life and be positive about it and to flush the (crap) out of your life or step on it (haha) it’s really your choice.

If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.  ~Mary Engelbreit

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.  ~Robert Brault

A Love That Will Last

{ June 26, 2008 @ 8:54 am } · { Issues of The Heart }
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Ever been in love with love? I have. Well, I was circa 1999- 2003. I thought I had it figured out, believed myself to have some sort of Ph.D when it came to explaining how it worked. Silly me. It was juvenile to think that because I watched Sleeping Beauty wake up from a kiss (hopefully she didn’t have morning breath), Ariel being able to walk on land (did she smell like a fish?), Snow white roused from her “food poisoning”, Cinderella correcting her footwear drama and the like- I thought, I knew how love worked. Ha ha. Fairy Tales only talk about “Happily Ever After” they never really touch the subject of what happens after “Happily Ever After”- makes you think right?.
The folks at Disney finally got their facts right when they made “Enchanted”.  Yes, Prince Charming may be dreamy, but that is how he is packaged. He’s an action figure complete with the right accessories: the horse, the sword, the velvet fabric and gold detailing on his outfit, the boots, gorgeous face, bumbling sidekick / servant- the singing voice is a plus.  By the way,  didn’t anybody ever think that Prince Charming may just be a dude with a hero complex? I mean, hello???? saving damsels from dragons, trolls and what other creature made to torment “helpless” maidens… I bet the guy gets a high from kicking butt, not from saving the pretty lady.
And what’s with the “helpless” maiden part anyway? I’m sorry, it’s not because I’m a girl or anything, but I can save myself buddy… hand me the sword and stand back.
Yes, the years of err “dating” has anesthetized me from the  excruciating truth that … gasp! men at this present day and age are more likely to do the terrorizing than the saving. Misanthropic much? not really. Okay, not all guys (sheesh)
Anyway, I think the Prince Charming species have been wiped out by some meteor or genetic mutation. Chivalry is dead ladies, or it needs to be resuscitated.
What’s my point exactly? Well, in Enchanted, the maiden (Giselle) got a pretty huge reality check. She was all- “I’ve been dreaming of a true love’s kiss and a Prince I’m hoping comes with this” and then she meets him (Edward) and after what? ten minutes / seconds after they meet, the guy decides they should get married. But then Edy boy’s step mum, the evil queen (Nerissa) decides to push our damsel into a well and sends her on a one-way trip to New York (in the middle of Time Square to boot).

side comment: Where exactly is this well? I ought to jump in there, beats buying a plane ticket….
Moving on, Giselle then meets this Divorce Lawyer, forgot his name (played by McDreamy himself) and he’s all weirded out that Giselle is all “Butterflies and Rainbows” in other words, kind of nuts or she sounds like a person who ought to be thrown in the loony bin.
In the course of the tale, McDreamy informs Giselle that love is a lot more complicated, he then introduces the idea of “dating” going out for dinner and talking etc.
Giselle gets her chance to have her date with Edward, and surprise, surprise she realizes that they don’t have a lot in common (and he’s a total ditz) haha! I mean, the chipmunk seemed smarter, though, in Edward’s defense, he was soooooo dreamy.
Do I need to tell you more? It’s a forgone conclusion right?  Giselle has a major epiphany that she’s in love with the jaded Divorce Lawyer…Oooh and she ends up saving the day after the evil queen turns into a dragon and grabs our “dude” in distress.

There you go.  The lesson my dear disenchanted audience is: Happily Ever After is a ruse to make kids believe that love is all- to use my previous description “Butterflies and Rainbows”. It’s not. but they will figure it out on their own, it’s Ok if they believe that…

Love is actually a chemical imbalance in the brain (to quote a passage from Every Boy’s Got One) It begins with the “attraction factor” thanks to Phenylethylamines.  But again, it wears off.  It’s quite the same as ingesting large quantities of chocolate.
Yeah, single ladies, hear that? go crazy with the chocolate… it’s the same.
What makes romantic love last? Endorphins…  or to put it in fairly simple terms… You have to make love (not sex exactly) I mean “create love” and remake it. Keep it fresh, as it were.

It’s not easy really. It’s not as simple as how the classic fairy tales make it look. Sure, you bicker, get tired of each other, quirks drive you stark raving mad, you become busy and uh… women become monsters five days (give or take)  every month  (sorry guys, we can’t help it) but hey… a kiss, hug, and whatever moments that you can have will always remind you why you love that person in the first place. (Eww…. the sugar is giving me a toothache)
It’s true. It’s about fighting (not killing each other or beating each other up) by fighting, I mean, you defend your relationship, even if the other is about to give up and even if you’re also about to throw in the towel too.
It is complicated, but according to my Anthropology  teacher

“You have to get hurt when you love someone, it is the only way to make you appreciate it, to make you aware that ‘ this is it’ you’re worthy of having it in your possession because you’re fighting to keep it. It won’t be fun all the time, but not a lot of people get to experience they joy and frustration of loving someone. You should be grateful to be one of the lucky few who get to feel that way”

Okay, he wasn’t exactly that eloquent, but that is my spin to his take on love.
So you see, I have grown up. I still think fairy tales are cool (did I actually use that term?) yeah, they are great. The difference now that I am uhem… 21 years old is I’m not waiting on my “Happily Ever After” anymore.

What do I want?
I’ve made it obvious…
Here it is in a song…

I want a little something more
Don’t want the middle or the one before
I don’t desire a complicated past
I want a love that will last

Say that you love
Say im the one
Don’t kiss and hug me and then try to run
I don’t do drama
My tears don’t fall fast
I want a love that will last

(Chorus)
I don’t want a just a memory
Gives me forever
Don’t even think about saying good-bye
Cuz i want just one love to be enough
And remain in my heart till i die

So call me romantic
Oh i guess that must be so
Theres something more that you oughta know
I’ll never leave you
So don’t even ask
I want a love that will last

Forever
I want a love that will last
I want a love that will last

(Chorus)
I don’t want a just a memory
Give me forever
Don’t even think about saying good-bye
Cuz i want just one love to be enough
And remain in my heart till i die

So theres little more that i need
I wanna share all the air you breathe
I’m not the kinda girl to complicate the past
I want a love that will last

Forever
I want a love the love that last
Always
I just want a love that will last
Want a love that will last

Artist: Renee Olstead
Song: A Love That Will Last

There. hopefully I don’t sound so bloody maudlin.

L-O-V-E

{ June 26, 2008 @ 2:43 am } · { Issues of The Heart }
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Ah… Love, four letters, one word, a thousand meanings.

Love is the topic that has plagued me since my youth (mind you, I am still young. “In my youth” just has a nice ring to it) i.e. when I was about 10 years old.

First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity.
George Bernard Shaw

Let me tell you the story..

The first time I ever entertained the idea of “Love” was when I was 10 years old and I convinced myself that I was “in love” with this boy who saved me from bullies. It was juvenile of me to believe that he was the “love

of my life”, but since I was a very, very, VERY quixotic girl, enchanted by the idea of
fairytale romances- the fact that I was the “damsel in distress” (D.I.D) at that time and that I was saved by this would-be “Prince Charming” definitely made me accept that “this was it” he’s my one true love. (Ick! just typing that made me cringe.).
Now in fairytale stories, the girl who gets saved usually ends up with the guy who did the saving (Proper terms: Damsel in Distress weds Prince Charming). However, this is the real world ladies and gents (do I really have to say it?) I DID NOT end up with him.
Here’s the sordid tale in a nutshell. Prince Charming who was 12 at the time, was not rendered speechless or mesmerized by my “beauty” again, I was 10 and hella dark to boot (on account of genetics and trips to the beach- he wasn’t much of a looker either hmph!). Alas! I was a very homely looking kid (late bloomer, according to my Mother) and we all know Prince Charming deserves blindingly beautiful women (Princesses or DID’s). Therefore, I was on the bottom of his “to notice and adore” list.
It was very disheartening indeed, but I was still “in love” with him. I even did something rather dumb akin to stalking, to get him to notice me, I perjured my identity in order to exchange ephemeral moments of texting with him (as somebody else: family members who are aware of this story, feel free to laugh at my folly). I did all that and yet, nothing happened. Let me remind you that I was 10 years old again so that this next statement won’t make you roll your eyes in disgust: He… uhem… broke my heart.
Fast-forward 6 years later (I convinced myself that I was “over him” over with the childish puppy love I developed), by some rather perverse quirk of fate we saw each other again. I expected him to ignore me or run away, since for him, I was like one of the 10 plagues sent by God to punish mankind- again, I expected him to steer clear of me (which was the norm whenever our paths crossed before), he didn’t do that though, what HE did manage to DO surprised me.
He looked at me, as in REALLY looked at me as if seeing me for the first time (At 16 years old, I think I looked pretty normal and not so dark anymore- sorry, I’m not vain and I really don’t adore my visage. So I can’t say that I’m a total knockout in the looks department- though I’m welcome to any helpful comments from the audience).
As the night progressed it seemed my status rose from “invisible and not worthy of adoration” climbed up to “second best on the list”.
Don’t do a double take on that statement, you read that right. By “Second-best” I mean, he finally noticed me, but he was otherwise engaged in a relationship with someone else. OUCH! I crashed and burned that day.
Needless to say, I gave up on him, I realized that waiting for him to get his act together would send me into a snore for 100 years. Also, I realized that waiting for him was like staring at a star in the heavens, willing it to fall and finally make my wish come true (Ick! sounds really pathetic, but I had to say it).
That wasn’t love! It was: With the help of merriam-webster I was able to discover what it was that ailed me all those years…

INFATUATION:

1 : to cause to be foolish : deprive of sound judgment
2 : to inspire with a foolish or extravagant love or admiration

Yep, that was it, and the years after Prince Charming’s perfidy, I did a lot of foolish things thanks to infatuation. Yes, I was still on a quest of finding love minus the search of Prince Charming.

I don’t know who said this: “You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find Prince Charming…”

Well, I was not looking for Prince Charming, but I did meet a lot of frogs anyway, and I only kissed one of them (to my everlasting shame). At that time I was 17, and well, somehow I became horribly disenchanted by the idea of love (thanks to the frogs) compounded by the fact that I am related to shameless fornicators and cheaters who are connoisseurs in the art of breaking hearts. Watching them in their natural environment akin to Brady Barr marveling at Crocs, I came to the conclusion that some men (specifically the men in my family: dad and brother excluded) were insecure individuals who fed off women to boost their horribly depleting egos. They don’t concern themselves with the feelings of their significant others (wives or girlfriends) or the repercussions of their acts. One uncle once said in earnest, that he was, and I quote: “Just having some fun.”
I was appalled, and it breaks my heart to see their significant others live their lives oblivious to their husband / boyfriend’s treachery. Some of them even turn a blind eye, unconsciously condoning the behavior, which galls me. Being the silent witness to all that made me fear the idea of falling in love with somebody who would treat me the same way and turn me into a miserable shrew of a girlfriend / wife.

God / Fate has a way of changing things, just when you thought you had it all figured out. Just when I decided to give up, just when I decided to build this impenetrable wall of ice to safeguard me from bachelors dandies, drinkers of brandies as well as Eager young lads, rogues and cads… (quoted from the Sound of Music). I met…

Prince Charming? NO
A Knight in Shinning Armor? NO
Some suave Casanova? NO

In the real world setting, I met a regular guy… who in a not so regular way, adores me.

So what happens after Happily Ever After? As Carrie Bradshaw (in Sex in the City put it) we all want to know that happens when we have found love.

To explain that, I’m going to channel a few experts (I’m not sure if they are experts, but they have given their two cents on the subject of love)

According to:

Francois de La Rochefoucauld

“There is no disguise which can hide love for long where it exists, or simulate it where it does not.“

“True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen.”

Tom Robbins

“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.“

Javan

“Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes… just be an illusion.“

Reflect on those quotes while go back to the talk of Prince Charming.

Somehow every girl is silently searching for Prince Charming (come on, you have to admit it that we all do). Now, we can’t blame Disney for fueling our fairytale dreams or our Mothers who read the stories to us about dashing and charming young men. It’s just a right of passage I suppose, being totally infatuated with this “Perfect” male specimen cut out from the pages of a story book.
Every girl silently dreams of the day that they would possess this paragon- but in the contract God gave us the moment we popped out of our Mothers (yes, there is a contract) we sign it the moment we take in our first breath and cry… Anyway, the mistake people make in signing a contract is that they always forget to read the fine print. Here’s the part that all of us seem to neglect to bear in mind.

Love Section of Contract

> The bearer of this contract is entitled to find love. Love, is one of the benefits offered by the company (Heaven).

Sounds pretty clear cut right? We’re born (skip a few stages of growth) we go into relationships a.k.a love. BUT what we forget to read is:

1. This contract does not cover insurance policies for bearers who incur the following during their search for love.

- broken hearts
- accidental offsprings (Must secure a marriage License)
- physical and emotional scars
- financial problems

and so on

The bearer of this contract is entitled to the following:

- as many “loves” as he/she can find
- make lots of love as long as it is not in any violation of company policies. (Out of wedlock “Love Making” is frowned upon)
- Keep as many products created from that love i.e. children (See offspring section of Contact).
- Live his/her life in total bliss with the one they love. (See Couple’s Counseling for assistance if this statement does not apply)
- Keep the one they love (only for a predetermined period of time)

* If bearer has any complaints about benefits offered, report to your nearest church and state your case to the President: God. For less grave complaints, refer your case to your Parish Priests for added assistance.

Furthermore, the company (Heaven) reserves the right to repossess said benefit/s at any time. i.e. when Life Balance of your “love” has expired.

I am not mocking God or the Catholic faith okay?

The point here, people is… When we do find love, there is no iron-clad assurance that we get to keep it.
People break up, let us operationally define this:

You Break Up with someone when the following situations apply:

1. You changed and “grew apart”
2. Partner was unfaithful (unless you try to work it out, of course)
3. Realization strikes that the two of you just won’t work i.e. an amicable or mutual decision to split.
4. Partner is a bum, jerk, (this five letter word rhymes with WITCH), (this word refers to a donkey), psychopath, despot, and etc. i.e. not good for your psychological well being.

Take Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, they were in love and happy for a while, then it ended (rumors say it was Angelina’s fault) and if it was… then that just affirms the fact that love great loves do have to end whether it died of natural causes or because of predators.
Another thing, some loves, even great ones are taken away…
When my Grandfather died, I can’t really describe what happened to my Grandmother (I don’t know if what they had was considered a great love) but somehow she was never the same. It is a poignant thing to watch someone go on without the one they love by their side.

The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost.
Gilbert K. Chesterton

So here’s the awful truth. Love is Complicated, a great deal of people long to find it, and when when they do find it, they expect that it will always be peaches and cream. Not really, truth be told, it doesn’t make us feel happy all the time, it can hurt and be frustrating as hell. Some people don’t want to find love to eschew the pain. BUT to avoid love would deprive you of the privilege of feeling true happiness. To be worthy of possessing it, you have to be brave enough to withstand the pain, because if you receive it freely sans any adversity, then anybody can just possess it and take it for granted.

Just a little food for thought people.

I know this is a loooooooooooong rant, but hey, someone out there may read this and have an epiphany.

As for me, I’ve discovered the secret to lasting love… According to James A. Baldwin: “Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is about growing up.”

Whoever said that the love story ends at “Happily Ever After” did not experience love at all.

Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don’t love to be loved; we love to love.
Leo Buscaglia

After all, for love to last, it has to be made into a new love story everyday…

The Beatles

Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy.
There's nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be in time
It's easy.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
There's nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's easy.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
All you need is love (all together now)
All you need is love (everybody)
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.